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So I finally told her that I'm BISEXUAL

Fri, 27 Jun 2008 02:37:23 GMT

and she could not believe it. That's a lie she said. If it's one of your jokes please stop it because it is not funny. It really is not funny at all. I told her that I'm all about being upfront. I really don't want a situation where you'll hear this from someone somewhere down the line and everything we have built till that point comes tumbling down. But how? How can you be bisexual she asked while her eyes implored me to smile and say I was just playing. But I wasn't, I had come this far and couldn't go back. I had passed the point of no return.

Let's get to the beginning of this whole thing. I met this girl a while back at one of the better night spots in downtown. She was wearing a close fitting top that clung to her like water on sonoma grapes. She matched this with a white skirt that was cut close to her body to accentuate her curvy hips and flared out in the bottom so each time the door opened and a little breeze flowed in it twirled around her ankles seductively. She accesorized her outfit with colorful beads and earrings that dropped low from her ears and framed her beautiful face. I took one look at her, turned to my boy and said alright that's the one. As I approached her she turned and made a bee line for the bar. I said nice so now I can buy her a drink...perfect opportunity. Just before I reached her she motioned for the bartender to bring her check so she could close out her tab. My heart sunk once I realized that she was about to leave. I stopped midstep and thought about turning around and letting this one go because the night was still quite young, it was barely midnight. I thought about all the other girls I could talk to that night and said to myself well it just wasn't meant to be with this one. As she was signing the check she looked up apparently deep in thought as she tried to decide how much to tip. Her semi serious look enthralled me even more and I immediately blurted out at least $5. She turned and said what? I said at least $5. It's hard being a bartender so you better not be thinking about tipping anything less than $5. She smiled at me and said well I'm not a big baller like you so I can't tip like you do plus you don't even know if all I had was a glass of coca cola. I came closer and said well the point is you saw me walking towards you and decided it was time to leave...that's kind of mean cus I'm really a nice guy but oh well go ahead and sign the check anyways and leave me to wallow in the misery of the forsaken. She immediately started laughing and said you're crazy you know that. I said I probably am but unless you have kids at home waiting to be fed there is no reason why you can't possibly stay another 30 minutes and have a drink with me. She said her homegirl needed to go home so I turned to her girl and asked if she'd mind terribly if her gorgeous friend had a drink with me. She was like emm nooo u go ahead girl. He looks kinda young though she said smiling. So Ms hottie said that's right he does look young. How old are you anyways she asked. I told her my real age which I never used to do till I recently realized that I really am getting old and need to stop inflating the number. I asked how old she was and she said guess. I said I'm not going to play you and say you look 20 because if you did I wouldn't be talking to you...I have a thing for women who know a thing or two about life and the only way you get that is by spending time living life (basically I was saying that I like them older but older chicks don't really like hearing the words older...mature...like my mum etc). She said she was five years older than me. I asked if my age was a problem and she replied smiling "i don't discriminate". A bell went off in my head gong gong gong oh this is so on.

Well one drink turned into two that turned into three then four. Found out she has a PhD and works as a specialist of some sort and is heavily involved with scientific research. Oooh wee. We hit the motherload this time ladies and gents. I told her what I did, we bitched about work and life then out of the blue she asked me so do you have a girlfriend. I was like emmm oh wow that's kinda out there. But that's the way she was. Always upfront and to the point. She said she liked the way I dressed and my confidence got to her but she tries to avoid other people's men now and has resolved to always ask as early as possible before things got any further. Sheesh I didn't even have to worry about asking for the digits, I knew I was going to see her again. After some more boozing she asked to take her leave and we exchanged numbers and vowed to do something soon.

The next day I hit her up and we planned to go out to dance. We went out danced then kissed danced then smooched danced then danced then kissed and kissed some more. It felt like being in high school all over again. I was like yes i'm definitely getting some tonight. We walked out to the parking lot holding hands and trying to be smooth I pulled her close, kissed her real deep and asked if she wanted to join me for a late apple martini. Now this is why I love older women. They know what they want and aren't afraid to go for it. At the same time they are very decisive about what is not going to go down. Ms Hottie looked me in the eye and said not tonight sweetheart, lord knows you have me all hot right now and it'll take a while for me to cool down enough to fall asleep but not tonight. My heart sunk but I said to myself well it's all about the anticipation, let's build this thing up as we await that deafening crescendo that is definitely sure to come. So she came close and I kissed her goodnight, it was one of those 15 minute kisses that never seem to end. We promised to call each other and made plans for the next night.

Next night I went over to her place, there was a new moon out and a slight breeze made the night just perfect for lovers. We took a long walk that was interrupted many times by me pulling her close and stealing kisses. It was beautiful. We got back to her place and I was hoping she'd invite me up but once again she said not tonight babe. At this point it hit me that I'm going to have to change my tactics because this good boy thing isn't working

So the next day we were on the phone and somehow the conversation went to intercourse. I seized the opportunity and asked her how long she usually waits after she meets someone before she indulges. She said it depends. Sometimes it was after a few dates other times it took a couple of months. It depends on when I feel comfortable with the person she said. She then added but I don't think it'll take too long with you..I know what goes on inside me when you're around. But I knew that I wanted it sooner...knew the good boy act won't last long so I decided to flip the script and told her I doubt it. Doubt what she asked. I doubt that we will be doing it anytime soon. Why? Don't you find me attractive? I was like good lord girl haven't you noticed how my body responds to your touch. I know you have cus you enjoy rubbing yourself against it just to torture me even more. She laughed then asked so what's the issue? I told her that I decided about two years ago to take things slow when I meet someone especially in the bedroom department. How slow she asked and I replied well at least 10 to 14 months. 10 to 14 months? what the hell!!! I replied that it's good to take some time to know the person before you complicate stuff with sex. She agreed then said but yeah I don't think u're going to be able to resist me when I'm ready...I said I like to stick to my beliefs or are you threatning to seduce me. She said we'll see with a sly smile on her face. I knew at that point that the super good boy runs had clicked.

Two days later she came over to the house and I cooked up a storm, grilled salmon, pasta with alfredo sauce, garlic bread... I mean the whole nine. Even put some shrimp in the sauce which I had sauteed with my secret ingredient, Emeril's Bayou seasoning. I swear that thing is the truth. I served the meal with a good bottle of wine. After the meal we watched a movie and slowly but surely things started heating up. Before long we were kissing and touching on the couch with not a stitch of clothing between us. Then she pushed me all the way down so I was laying on the couch looking up at her, she traced a path down my belly with her tongue leaving a trail of kisses. She began to kiss first my upper thighs then the tip of my c*$k. At this point I was like oh my god. She continued to kiss the tip then suddenly stopped, shut her eyes, opened her mouth as wide as she could and slowly and deliberately took all of me inside her. Whoa! I haven't been blown like that since I was 13. I mean this girl or should I say lady was putting it on me like it was about to go out of style. Just as I was getting used to her rhythm she switched it up and began to use her hands to stroke me up down up down in synch with what she was doing with her tongue and lips. My toes had curled up and I was beginning to hear soft sweet music in my ears that's somewhere between moonlight sonata and beethoven's 5th symphony. Ohhhh weee. She looked up and asked 10 to 14 months right, I told you that you won't be able to resist me once I'm ready. In my mind I was like oh you really think u're playing me? Little do you know who's running the scam on who. Eitherways though I mean good lord she was working me like a violin. She had the 3 main components of a solid BJ down to a tee. She used a lot of spit, worked with a steady rhythm and last but most importantly wasn't afraid to use her tongue. Lord have mercy on my freaky ass soul. Whoa! She was slurping and sucking I mean forget about licking a lollipop this girl had excellent tongue control. Reminded me of a girl I messed with in elementary school who could unwrap candy in her mouth using just her tongue. Holy holy holy

So after about 15 to 20 minutes of debraining me I decided it was only right for me to return the favor. I mean seriously what kind of host wouldn't want to repay his guest for such kindness? So I laid her on her back, spread her legs with the intention to lick every single inch of her till she came and came and came. So I spread her legs and beheld the most hideous coochie I had ever seen in my entire life. I mean it was a mess of folds, meat curtain upon meat curtain. It looked like what you see when you open a roast beef sandwich. I took another look at it, said to myself that it's not going to magically transform into cinderella's cooch and proceeded to man up and take one for the team. Now I enjoy going down on women. No joke, there's something about seeing a woman get turned on, watching her squirm and moan as you taste her, limbs writhing as you torture her clit with your tongue. There is nothing so innately powerful as watching this lawyer, doctor, teacher, secretary, mother, engineer or whatever she may be during the day just loose control of herself, fingers twitching, toes curling, mouth saying words that would get her banned from her church if her pastor caught wind of it. All because of this tiny muscle we call the tongue. It truly is an amazing thing. Whenever I hear guys go on and on about how they would never go down on a woman I just smile at how stupid they are. I mean your wife would forgive you for murder if you go down on her right. Gospel truth right there. Plus if you don't do it someone else will. Do you think women don't know this? I've heard women talk about their exes with serious loathing, that no good chain smoking, alcoholic pig that couldn't keep his hands off anything in skirts. I don't know what I saw in him but girl he could work that tongue like nobody else. This one time he went down on me for like 2 hours I had to call in sick to work the next day. Lord have mercy. Anyways I love it I love it I love it.

So I proceed to go down on Ms hottie, tracing the alphabet on her inner and outer labia, slowly working my way to the clit or where it should be but once again those damn folds were in the way. So I slip two fingers inside her and turn them upwards doing the come here signal to work her gspot while flicking, licking and teasing with my tongue but once again no clit. Now I've been with a circumcized chick and know that where the clit was cut there will be a bud or at least a scar that marks the spot. A sort of the clit was here landmark. But this chick didn't have one, plus she's american and last I heard they don't do that here. Anyways so i spread the folds, one, two, three, four, sixteen thousand of them and still no clit. I'm like alright what's going on here. I mean it's not like this girl was flabby or big by any standard. She couldn't have been more than 130lbs. And even big girls have something for you to work with in the clit department (don't look at me like that jare....big girls need love too). So I'm thinking to myself maybe she was big before and lost all that weight. I mean I know she's a gym junkie now so maybe that's what happened oh well. So I'm still working the fingers and notice that she's not getting wet so i'm like well maybe I need to step my game up. Work my way up to her body to her chest and begin to slowly caress her boobs. Something just didn't feel right with them though. They were a little stiff and felt oh no oh no oh no fake? I was like wtf...I guess this girl got a boob job too. She looked up at me and asked what's wrong. I said nothing and proceeded to suck on her tiny unresponsive nipples. It was as exciting as chewing on a clump of hair. At this point she's like oh my god I want you inside me now. So I strapped on and entered her. It was war getting in. I mean she was very dry so I said I don't think u're ready down there yet. She said oh I'm never really wet...not like most people anyways so that's fine. I'm like wtf this is just getting weirder by the second. I got up and grabbed some astroglide lubricant which I liberally applied to hers and mine. So I entered her, started slow and worked my tempo up, she laid back and grabbed onto the couch, I mean I could tell from her facial expression, the leg shaking and all that she was about to cum but there was no oral reinforcement. I was like wtf! Suddenly she pulled me closer, raised her back off the couch, shuddered then let out a soft gasp and bam she came. No moaning, no heavy breathing, no nothing. I was like what the hell I'm sure I'll get more of a reaction from banging a hole in my couch.

So I turned her around on all fours and started going at it hard from the back, that's when she started giving these little grunts like someone who was in the bathroom doing you know what...definitely not sexy. I was like are you really serious, i'm back here putting in work and you're gritting your teeth and doing everything not to make some noise. That's when I lost it and went wild with the hair pulling, spanking, biting the back of the neck, just absolutely nuts. The grunts continued and our love making session degenerated into something similar to a jailhouse rape. Once again she went grr grr grrrrrr shuddered and that was it. She then said you need to get yours cus you're wearing me out. I said if u've had enough just say and she said how long is it going to take me to cum? In my mind I thought not in this lifetime but I said well I don't have to cum tonight. So I got up, cleaned up and told myself that if this is what love making is going to be with this girl then this is never going to happen again. We got dressed, talked a little bit, she got up to walk and told me that her legs were shaking real bad and I did a good job. In my mind I was like yeah maybe you should've too. I mean how can someone go from being really intense in the head dept to absolutely nothing in sex. What's with the fake boobs, weird vag and silent sex? I mean wtf!!! I definitely had to let her go because she did not do it for me. I knew we couldn't continue but I didn't want to break her heart or dunp her suddenly. I've been through that before and know how bad it sucks so I had to find a way for her to dump me.

So I hung out with her the day after and we talked then the convo some how went to brothers on the downlow and how there were so many of them in our city. I asked her if she had a problem w bisexual dudes and would she date one and she said hell no. Any man who has sex with men isn't a real man. How am I sure he won't go back to sleeping with guys behind my back? So I said well this is as good a time as ever to tell you this, I'm bisexual. She said no that can't be possible. I said yes it is. She said but you don't look like the kind of guy who would sleep with a man. I said well I guess I can't possibly buy a t-shirt that says it and wear it everyday. She said no that's not true. It's impossible! How do you know you're bisexual? I said cus I have dated men before but right now I'm looking for a good woman I can be with and possibly raise a family. That just threw her for a spin and she said how are you sure it's not just a phase. I said I'm not sure...i mean it's possible but I know that I want to be with you right now. Is my past going to be a problem? I've only dated 3 guys and the last relationship lasted just over a year and ended about 2 years ago. She said but you're still attracted to guys right? Sometimes i replied. Then I said I shouldn't have told you this but I'm all about putting it all out there before it becomes an issue in the future. She said she appreciates my candor but this can't be true. This is crazy. Wow I wouldn't have known. I mean you don't even act gay. I said it's cus I'm bisexual not effeminate. I asked so what's going to happen to us? She said I'm going to have to think about this. I said alright I have to leave now, I leaned in for a kiss and she turned her head away and gave me a hug. She promised to call me to let me know but never did....ever.

I told a friend of mine about this later on and she said oh my god what if you guys know the same people and she tells them. I said I really don't care what anyone thinks. Let them show me which guy I slept with that made me bisexual then I'll have something to worry about. Till then who cares what people say. It's not like I'm ever going to run for president and have some retarded journalist interview this one girl who will say yes yes he's bisexual. It sucks how girls can "explore" same sex experiences when they're in college and it's okay but once a guy does so it means he's on the down low. I guess life really isn't fair. If I ever run into her again and see her whispering to her friend at least I'll know what they're talking about and chuckle to myself : )

Oh well anyways that's all I have for you today. Thank you for reading and please leave a comment.

Why most Nigerian men can’t go for more than one round of sex at a time

Wed, 16 Apr 2008 21:44:40 GMT

I cannot shout. Naija reporters will not kill me. Please sit back and enjoy this gem I found from the Sun Newspapers website

"Why most Nigerian men can’t go for more than one round of sex at a time
By AZOMA CHIKWE
Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Naturopathic physician, Dr Sandra Ekwunife has said that most Nigerian men can’t go for more than one round of sex at a time because of weak erection or premature ejaculation. However, she said if a man could maintain a rock – hard erection and could hold on for 30 minutes to one hour, even a nympho should be absolutely satisfied. She opined that if a man could hold on for his partner to orgasm, the question of how many rounds that was involved during the intercourse may not arise.

Ekwunife said that the important point is for a man to last long enough to satisfy his partner, stressing that a one round of intensive encounter lasting between 30 and 45 minutes from foreplay to orgasm will be moderately satisfying to an average couple than to have 10 rounds in 10 minutes. Her words: "The big question, why most Nigerian men can’t go for more than one round? It still amounts to the same problem of weak erection and premature ejaculation. If a man could maintain a rock-hard erection and could hold on for 30 minutes to one hour, even a nympho should be absolutely satisfied. If a man could simply hold on for his partner to orgasm, we may not be counting how many rounds he went.

"A man may go for 10 rounds in 10 minutes while another may go for one round in one hour. So, in my personal opinion, I think the important point is for a man to last long enough to satisfy his partner. The truth is that one round of intensive encounter lasting between 30 and 45 minutes from foreplay to orgasm will be moderately satisfying to an average couple. So, the issue of how many rounds does not hold water, rather we should focus our attention on how long round lasts.

"Erectile dysfunction or impotence is the inability to obtain and or sustain an erection. It is estimated that about 40 per cent of men will have chronic erectile dysfunction at some point in their lives and most men suffering from impotence are above 40. But there are still a few younger men below 40 who suffer from this problem today." "There are so many causes of erectile dysfunction or impotence – Habitual fatigue syndrome, stress – both physical, emotional and psychological, alcohol over-indulgence, obesity or over weight and pot belly, pile, constipation, diabetes, high blood pressure, infection – most sexually transmitted ones. "Some cases can also be related to the medications used in treatment of some health conditions like high blood pressure, diabetes, insomnia and executive stress, etc.

"Is there a cure for erectile dysfunction? In orthodox practice, I don’t think there’s any medicine that permanently cures impotence. But in naturopathy, I will say a resounding "yes", because I have seen the miracle that is possible only in nature. As a naturopathic physician, I wont give you ‘sex stimulant’ – I’d firstly trace the genealogy of the condition and depending on the diagnosis, I’d offer help and that most often include correcting anomalies, balancing key body energies and energizing the weak points to bring about a perfect harmony. Within three days of treatment, your body, mind and spirit will come alive. I speak from experience. We treat with standardized herbs. It doesn’t matter how long the condition has lasted – once treatment is initiated, the result must follow.

Since impotence is the inability to obtain and or sustain an erection, weak erection could well be referred to as partial impotence. When a man can obtain an erection but is unable to sustain it long enough to penetrate and deposit semen after copulation, it could simply be referred to as weak erection. "Premature ejaculation could be defined as ejaculation that occurs too early before both partners desire it to occur.

There are documented cases of some men ejaculating within two minutes of penetration. Usually, this leaves women both aroused and frustrated. And you must agree with me that this is a dangerous combination. Imagine arousing a woman during a lengthy foreplay and just as she allows penetration and then relaxes for the show to begin, the shower comes and its all over. If this happens on a daily basis, then anything can happen believe me, it is more frustrating than weak erection.

Premature ejaculation can cause infertility. Yes. It most often does. Just as impotence and weak erection could make penetration impossible or difficult, premature ejaculation could prevent the sperm from being deposited right inside the vaginal tube. In fact, some men ejaculate before penetration, yes it could be that bad.

"Testing the sperm is one of the easiest fertility tests. A man can easily walk into a lab and request for a sperm test. It is called ‘Semen Analysis’. But when the result is out, you’d used the services of a physician to analyze it. Your doctor will look at several factors including the number of sperm that is present in the sperm (sperm count) the shape of that sperm (morphology) and how the sperm swim (motility). And there are two problematic conditions as it affects sperm count that only semen analysis can clearly point them out – oligosperms and azoospermia. "Oligospermia is the production of too little sperm. Clinically, oligospermia is defined as less than 20 million sperm per millimeter of semen. The average being between 60 million and 120 million.

"While azoospermia is a condition in which the man produces no sperm. This is pain condition is very uncommon though. Azoospermia can be both permanent and reversible. The permanent case of azoospermia is where he man is sterile and this could be caused by many factors in the man’s life including congenital issues, testicular injuries or even genetical issues. But the reversible cases could be that, caused by infection. And if the infection is completely treated, the azoospermia may be corrected.

"The problems stated above respond very well to herbal treatment. Self-medication is really not an option when we discuss about sperm issues.

"Is there a remedy for weak erection and premature ejaculation? Oh yes, we have a perfect solution to these embarrassing conditions. Even in our local communities, we have preparations commonly referred to as "Man-power". The Hausas call it ‘Burantashi’, the Igbos call it ‘Ike agwu nwa nkpi’ and the Yorubas call it ‘Mokole’. Our forefathers used them to take care of themselves. The only difference today being that the herbs are standardized and hence, safer than before. So, you have a perfect solution in nature. Talk to your physician today."

I hope you guys enjoyed it. Don't forget to leave your comments and come back soon. My next entry will be on a topic that I've had on my mind for a while - How many sexual partners is too many....for a girl.

stop touching yourself

Tue, 01 Apr 2008 21:44:17 GMT

we salivate to our own cooking
excite to our own touch
nostrils flare to our own musk
eyes go moist to our own poetry
we are the epitome of self love
we are the masturbation generation

Faking orgasms...a male perspective

Sun, 23 Mar 2008 05:07:47 GMT

Good morning my indomie noodles eating, business card carrying, ipod headphones wearing people of the world. I hope this blog entry meets you well. Today I will be talking about orgasms. Not the real earth shattering ones but the fake orgasms, the TV orgasms, the oh my god I hope my partner cannot tell I'm faking it orgasms....from a male perspective. Ladies think they're the only ones who fake it but little do they know that guys fake it too.

Ever since the scene in When Harry met Sally where Sally played by Meg Ryan showed how she fakes orgasms, the world or at least sex in the world as we know it went completely topsy turvy (that's a word from my Enid Blyton Magic Faraway Tree days). For the first time men around the world learnt that all that hollering, yelling, clawing at the sheets, biting into your shoulder, face contortions and leg tremors done by their partners in the throes of passion may not always be true. It was like seeing pictures that your friend took with Brad Pitt, Arnold the governator and oprah and then realizing that he never visited hollywood but simply spent a day at Madam Toussards. It was like finding out that those gifts under the christmas tree were not placed by a jolly old man in red but by your father in his underwear. It was a window into the world of falsehood perpetrated by women which began with Cleopatra's beautiful wigs which covered her bald scalp, extended to victorian bone corsets which made stocky women look shapely and continues today with all the cosmetics, push up bras and high heeled shoes which women use to basically lie to men. Your face is not that smooth, your boobs are not that big, your booty doesn't poke that far out and you are not that tall. But I digress.

Basically the movie showed men that women fake orgasms. Polls in magazines constantly show that a high percentage of women fake or have faked an orgasm before. Most men would begin to doubt their sexual prowress once they hear that their significant other faked that huge climax that you bragged to your boys about but I don't and I won't. I prefer to look at the other side of the equation - why are these women lying? Have I created a situation in the bedroom where she is pressured to lie? Is she afraid that my ego will be hurt if I find out that I cannot take her to cloud nine? See these are things we never think about and I never did until I faked my first orgasm.

Now I'm sure you're like c'mon now, a guy? faking an orgasm? Yeah right. But I did, have and probably will do it again. I have faked orgasms for many reasons and will let you know why. The dates will have to be omitted because we don't want any of my exes to read this and start blowing up my phone to ask if it was with her and all that jazz.

I faked my first orgasm when I was about 17 or 18. Up until this time I never ended a sex session without blowing my wad. I guess it's one of those things that comes with living in a "man's world"....a round of sex is known around the world to end when the man cums. So basically if you say we had sex 4 times last night that means your boyfriend had 4 orgasms. Now that's as sexist as can be but oh well what can we do about it. Anyways back to my first fake orgasm. I had just come back from a trip and hadn't seen my girl in a week. As soon as she saw me, homegirl jumped my bones and before long we were making it happen. We began at around 11am and by 2pm I hadn't cum. Now being a young buck I was all about going as fast as possible, she loved it and came a bunch of times. Any girl will tell you that it's great to have multiple orgasms but like everything else, too much of it is not good. After cumming and cumming and cumming she be became sore and wanted to rest..so we turned on the tv, watched for about 20 mins and went back to ravishing each other. By 4pm I still hadn't cum and by this time her cooch had gone from pretty pink to bloody red. Every thrust had gone from bringing pleasure to causing immense pain. We stopped again to get some rest and she asked me if I still hadn't cum and I said no. So being the trooper that she was, she mounted me with love in her eyes and slowly started going up and down. I could see that this no longer was fun for her and right now she was doing this strictly because she cared for me. Most other girls would have put up a white flag and rightfully so but she wanted to satisfy her man. She asked if it would help if I came on top because her legs were getting tired and I did. By this time it was around 5.30pm, we had been doing it for 7 hours. So I was on top of her going in and out and watching her face as it contorted in a grimace because of the pain. It was at that point I started my ooh shiiiiit routine. "Oh my god I'm about to cum" I yelled. "Yes baby yes I love you so much". I tensed up, shuddered and fell limp on top of her. You could just feel the relief in her body as she held me close. I pulled out of her and walked into the bathroom with my condom wrapped dick in my hand just like I had done time and time again. I removed the empty condom, wrapped it in a paper towel and put it in the trash can. I walked back to the bed, held her close and we fell asleep. She felt good because she satisfied her man and I felt good because she was happy. We both wound up winners so no foul, no harm.

After that I faked it a bunch of times with different people for various reasons. The major one was that I just couldn't come soon enough. Ain't that a bitch. Women go on and on about how they don't want a one minute man but put them in there with a guy who's going 4 hours straight and watch them run. I'm not saying i'm a stallion, it's just that there are some times when it happens for some reason. The reason could be that I have my mind on something else e.g the rent and can't concentrate on the sex long enough to drain my main vein. It could be that I'm hungry (this has happened many times), it could be that I'm not attracted to the girl and therefore not that turned on or it could be that I felt like taking a piss before we started but didn't so now the cum is held in by it's cousin who shares the same tract. It could also be that I have too much alcohol in my system and am too drunk to cum.

As I get older and have more important things to do with my time, a new reason has cropped up. It is the simple reason that I just need to go to sleep. There are some times when I'm having a marathon session that goes from sunday night straight into 2am on monday morning. At that time I just have to tell myself, my guy you need to be up for work in 4 hours so you better get this thing over with. Times like that I simply cut the session short, do my little aaargh manly moan (at least I think it's manly), shudder and go limp on the chick. I pull out and head to the bathroom to dump the empty condom and get some much needed sleep.

Guys can go on and on about how we can tell when a girl is faking but we really can't. I've heard everything from "I check to see if she's wet or got wetter" to "I look out for involuntary spasms like that leg trembling shit". Or "I can tell from the way her face contorts if it's real or fake". Bullshit! All straight bullshit! A girl could be wet simply from all the fuckry that's been going down, it doesn't have to be as a result of the climax. Leg trembling or facial contortions are pretty easy to fake. The hollering and yelling is definitely the easiest part of the faking so to be frank we guys cannot tell when you fake. That's the same way girls are pretty much in the dark about guys...at least guys who wear condoms during intercourse. I mean unless the girl inspects the condom afterwards, there is really no way to tell. I still haven't found the girl who is so inquisitive that she would dig into the trashcan the next morning to see if there's cum in the condom. Plus we have to thank god for pre-cum. Some guys let that thing flow like River Niger. They fill up the condom with so much pre-cum that you think they already came like 5 times. So your inspection test just went to shit.

Basically, the main reason why I have faked is to assure the girl that I find her attractive. Most people, guys and girls alike believe that the inability to orgasm has a direct correlation to how attracted you are to your mate. If you make a girl cum real quick then she must like you a lot. If a woman can't get her guy to nut then he must find her fat and unattractive. This is the main issue that I try to avoid by faking orgasms. Just the fact that we're doing this sex thing means that I'm attracted to you. I mean unless you're paying me for it there is no reason why I'd sleep with someone I'm not attracted to. I have met some women who are either very sure of themselves or mature enough to understand that if a guy doesn't climax, it isn't the end of the world. With such people I simply ask if they've had enough and if she's like but what about you I simply respond by saying I don't have to cum. And it is the truth. I really don't have to. If we've been at it for 4 straight hours and it hasn't come then it definitely isn't coming tonight. But one thing is for sure sweetheart and that's the fact that I have to be up in 3 hours to get ready for work.

I have only one rule when it comes to faking orgasms which I always stand by. It is that I never fake until the girl has cum.....now what if she faked it and I follow up by faking mine...talk about double jeopardy.

So ladies what will be your reaction if you found out that your man has faked an orgasm?

Guys, have you ever faked it and if you have, why did you do it?

No means Yes and Yes means Anal...the evolution of suprise sex

Mon, 17 Mar 2008 23:17:26 GMT

This post is about rape so if you cannot handle it please leave now.

As Fela said, all you Africans please listen to me as Africans and you non-Africans, listen to me with open minds. In the animal kingdom, the peacock struts his stuff, spreads his feathers and invites the females to enjoy the show as an indication of his intention to have intercourse. The female kangaroo will walk around with her butt stuck out when she is in heat as a sign to the boys that she wants something hard in her. Over the past century or so, we have experienced a change in the way human beings view the molestation and desecration of women. Movements such as women's lib and a general increase in morality across the board have made acts such as rape even now more than ever denounced and condemned. Rapists are considered the worst of humanity, the scum of the earth and even in prisons, an alternate world filled with killers and hardened criminals, rapists are designated to the lowest rung in the ladder. If you are a rapist in 2008, you're pretty screwed. End of story. Drug dealers and mass murderers may be welcomed with open arms but you my friend are done for. There is no salvation for you. You will be hard pressed to find someone who will empathize with you on any level. Serial killers can be on death row and find pen pals who will want to relate with them. As for you let's just say that society considers you lower than the dirt on which we tread. And rightfully so, but I digress.

Now let's flip the script and step away from the predators and their victims and move over to the females who love as in absolutely love to tease. Girls who push the envelope to the limit. Ladies who want to know how far they can push a man before he loses his mind and goes for broke. I constantly ask myself why it is only in intercourse that you are expected to have super human restraint to be able to stop immediately we hear NO, regardless of the stage of arousal be it kissing, touching, sucking or dear god no, already fucking. You cannot tell the pilot in a moving airplane that you do not want to travel anymore and ask to be let out. So why are we expected to go from Green to Red light in 2 seconds flat?

Why is the onus on intercourse on the woman? It seems like it is already assumed that the guys are all set and ready to go at your beck and call. Why is there a double standard? Why can't we be the ones who get to say I don't want to do it anymore after we've been making out for 2 hours? Why can't we be the one who gets to change our minds when you are so wet, your love juices are running down your thighs and soaking past the sheets and into the mattress? Why can't we ask you to stop! Please stop! Stop right now!....when you're already on top, riding my dick at 120 mph? Why can't we get off the bed and start getting dressed just before you bust a nut simply because I just decided that I'm still in love with my ex girlfriend and this is all wrong? Why can't I look up at you with tears in my eyes and ask you to get off me or I'll tell everyone you raped me? Why?

Well apparently, Mr Olorikpanla, you apparently haven't noticed that a woman cannot rape a man. In the same way that a key hole cannot force its way onto a key. Plus what kind of spineless good for nothing man are you? I mean why on God's good earth will you even consider complaining or refusing access to your person to a woman? Good Lord son! Man up! Grow some balls or just give those mincy ones you have which are the size of M&Ms up before word gets around that you got raped by a woman. But sir I swear! I did not want to do it. She forced herself on me. Oh really? Someone call the Guinness Book of Records for in our presence have we witnessed the impossible. For the first time since the beginning of mankind, a soft penis was forced into a vagina. Or my boy isn't that what happened? Wait hold on did you just nod your head to say no? Oh so you were not soft? Then tell me which kind of penis gets hard against their owners consent? Abi did she slip a viagra into your Limca? Or are pink elephants flying backwards now? Look here my son. You cannot claim to have been raped by this woman because you apparently wanted it.

Sir! I did not want it. I occurred against my will. OK sorry about that my boy, I forgot that she had you kidnapped, bound, blindfolded and brought into her bedroom. Well sir she did not. Hmmm well I'm sure you can at least take your ripped clothes to the police station as evidence. No sir, I took my clothes off myself. Interesting! Then she must have put a knife to your throat or tied you to the bed to prevent your escape. *Head bowed in shame* no she did not. Well how then did she rape you, young man?

I told her to stop but she refused. Stop? Stop what? I asked her to stop what she was doing. I tried to convince her to get off me, I tried to disengage our organs but she refused. She kept on going, ignoring my pleas. She kept going while I sobbed and cried. She kept going as tears ran down my cheeks. She kept going as the shame filled my heart. She kept going as grief raked my soul. She kept going as every thrust defiled me, every moan soiled me and every sinew in my body was filled with revulsion. She kept going till I felt her tense on top of me, her fingernails dug into my shoulders, her head thrown back as the breath caught in her throat and her body stiffened in the final throes of orgasm as she climaxed on top of me.

My mind was flooded with feelings of self loathing, sorrow and despair that erupted like a volcano as tears filled my eyes and sobs wracked my body. Why me? I asked myself. Why did this have to happen to me? I watched her though my half closed lids as she cleaned herself up. I watched in disbelief as she dressed, totally oblivious to what she had just done to me. Did she not know? My heart was filled to overflow with grief. Lord, deliver me from this dark dark day. I covered my head with the blanket in shame, hoping that the earth below will cave in so I can fall to my death for life is not worth living anymore. I have been raped.....I have been raped.

So what did you do next my boy? I called 911 and told them I had been raped. The lady on the phone asked me where the victim was. I said I have been raped. Then she asked "is the suspect still in the building or has he left"? I said she just walked out of the door about 30 minutes ago. "She?"....sir did you just say She? the operator asked. "Yes" I replied. How old are you sir? I'll be 26 in May. "What a loser!" she said and promptly hung up. I did not know what to do so I drove to the police station. I told the sergeant on duty what had happened and demanded a full rape investigation complete with the rape kit because I was going to press charges. Over barely stifled laughter, he told me that there were not rape kits for adult males who get raped by girls who picked them up at the bar. I bowed my head in shame and went home.

Oh lord! Hahahahahahha I can't wait to get back home to tell my neighbors about you. What a loser. You my boy take the cake. You don't need the dunce hat, we need to build you a dunce house and buy you a dunce car. You really suck at life boy. Phew! Little cry baby here got raped by a woman. It wasn't rape, it was suprise sex...or haven't you heard that a man cannot be raped by a woman? It is 2008 my boy. No means yes and yes means anal.

The end.

I hope this gets your mind spinning. I would like to hear what you think so please leave a comment.

Why is your nipple so salty?

Wed, 13 Feb 2008 20:29:40 GMT

That is exactly what I asked her as I pointed towards the slight protrusion on her left breast known to infants around the world as the ultimate source of nutrition and adults the world over as the pinnacle of sexual excitement. I sought to understand why this part of her anatomy which I had just touched, teased, licked and sucked left my tongue with a sharp salty taste. Little did I know that this would lead me down a path of enlightenment which I would later regret. An area of knowledge for which I desired no iota.
Let me take a step back to help you understand the events leading up to this occurrence. The unfortunate participant in this story was a significant other of mine. We had been together for about 2 months at the time. Short enough so we still went at it like randy monkeys but long enough so the honeymoon period was over and no one had to bite their tongue any longer. She had come over to my place around mid day so we could spend some time together. We did some window shopping at the local mall, stopped at Barnes & Noble to peruse the bestseller’s list then visited blockbuster to rent a movie or two. We picked up what we both agreed was a good movie (the name escapes me at the moment) and returned to my place.

She settled into the couch as I popped the DVD into my DVD player which I use only 3% of the time for its manufacturer’s intended purpose which is to play Xbox games. About 15 minutes into the movie, just as the plot was beginning to take shape, I felt a hand slowly slide up my thigh. I borrowed a leaf from those “good” naija girls and moved the hand away. This only made her even bolder, which I silently enjoyed but again I acted like I didn’t know what was going on. You see, sex like everything else in life is more enjoyable when people face a certain degree of resistance. People love it when you give them a challenge then let them win without them knowing that it was planned all along. The feeling that one gets when they think they broke through your willpower and succeeded in seducing you thereby getting what they want is second to none. Women have known about this since the days of Adam and Eve and have used it ruthlessly ever since. This is one of the reasons why I find it extremely funny and quite sad when one of my boys tells us how he convinced his new girl after a 3 hour persuasion session in the bedroom to let him have a slice of that cheesecake. Little does the poor sap know that she was in charge the entire time and you my little boy were played like a violin. She wanted it just as much as you but by making you fight for it she ends up making you feel like the victor when in fact you were the vanquished Anyways I digress.

During her next attempt, she brought her hand all the way up and casually rested it on my crotch. She nestled closer to me on the couch and started nibbling my ear and tracing kisses around my neck, chin and cheek. At this time my bulging hard-on was quite discernible and she began to stroke it slowly. A deep moan escaped my slightly parted lips as I felt myself grow larger with each stroke. I wrapped my arms around her waist and helped her up as she settled astride me with our faces only inches away. She began to grind her crotch into mine as I reached behind to grab the soft globes of her tush. Our lips locked in a long ravenous kiss as we both inched forward to gain even more access to each other’s mouths. Her hands tugged at my tee shirt as she pulled it over my head to caress my chest. I quickly unbuttoned her top through which she wriggled out to free her arms as the shirt fell to the floor. I reached behind her with one hand while grabbing her rump with the other with her hips gyrating at 200 miles per hour as only my true Nigerian women can do it. Damn I was fired up. The catch on her bra came loose, freeing her soft, juicy breasts which fell like two ripe mangoes into my waiting hands. I kneaded, teased and caressed them as she threw her head back in ecstasy, inviting me to go even further and do more. Her eyes were closed tight as she anticipated what was to follow. I drew her closer and covered one erect nipple with my mouth as she moaned deeply. This was when it happened. My mouth was immediately filled with an intense salty taste which caused me to draw back like a child who just ate a slice of lime. Why is your nipple so salty? I asked her. She couldn’t comprehend what I said at first but it slowly sank in as all the endorphins that had worked up from her titties to her brain gradually drained away. What do you mean by that, she asked. I said “your nipple is really really salty, like you went to the gym or something.” She slowly got off me as she fixed her bra and stared at me in disbelief but I barely noticed as my mind was spinning at 100 revolutions/sec trying to solve this puzale. The salty taste could not come from sweat because she rarely does so. She is one of those people with great skin, just like my mother and baby bother who can engage in vigorous activity for hours on end under the hot naija sun and their skin never leaks. Plus she came straight from home to see me and we had not done anything remotely strenuous so why the hell is her nipple so salty?

I was dying to ask her more questions but common sense got the better of me because at that time she was feeling very self conscious and not so wanted. To calm the situation down, I made a silly comment about the movie, called myself an effing weirdo and reminded her that it’s probably the cashew nuts I’d been eating that left the salty taste in my mouth. I drew her closer to me and we undressed and began to make sweet love on the couch but the question still burned in my head.

A few weeks later, I was about to get a slice of her cheesecake (my new euphemistic phrase for you know what) when I noticed she had on a very beautiful pink lace bra with very intricate patterns on the cups. This bra had held my attention only 6 days before so I proceeded to ask her how many of these lovely bras she had (I somehow thought she went and bought a whole stack of them just because I said I loved it). She replied saying “I have just one”. Now, by this time we had graduated to doing laundry together and I knew that we were in between laundry cycles. She is also very strict about the bi-weekly routine. So I asked her how many times she wears her bras before washing them and she responded in two words – it depends. The response made me do double somersaults in my head. Depends on what I asked? It depends on whether it’s dirty or not, she responded. “You don’t want to over wash bras or they you will ruin the fabric, structure and so on”, she continued. Now this makes sense, I thought, I can understand this line of reasoning with clothing like jeans and blazers but with a bra? Are you serous? Isn’t this categorized under intimate apparel? Isn’t that why you buy it from Victoria Secret and Hanes? It is underwear and maybe I’m crazy but I don’t think it is hygienic for one to wear underwear more than once. If guys did this our balls would rot off in no time. I cannot even wear undershirts, which I wear under my dress shirts to work, more than once before they go in the laundry hamper. Since that incident, I took a healthy or unhealthy (depending on who is keeping score) interest in bra cycles and inquired from successive partners and acquaintances how often they wear before they wash. The responses were mostly greater than once with some admitting to wearing bras up to 3 times and a few (thank god for clean naija girls) saying just once. It baffled me and continues to do so today so I am opening for floor for discussion. Ladies do you wear your bra more than once before washing and why? Guys, do you think women should wear their bras more than once before soaking it in omo?

Like I said I will be blogging a lot more frequently so please come back soon and don’t forget to leave your comments.

Ciao!

Nigerian man divorces wife because of oral sex

Tue, 12 Feb 2008 19:12:14 GMT

Welcome back to your shoruken attacking, haduken firing, upside down flash kicking, no holds barred blog. Today I will share with you an article that I read in Punch Newspapers recently. I read it then died, woke up and died again. Naija men will not kill me. Read and leave your comments

"But it is indeed true that even in sexual preferences that one man’s meat could be another’s poison. That is why it is usually a bit difficult or even out of tune to give a blanket advice on what one should or shouldn’t do. You never really know how it would be received. Now, to Pat’s story.

On a particular night when her husband wanted sex, like the good Igbo wife she is, she willingly obliged. But much more than that, she also decided to surprise him with fellatio. Unfortunately, she didn’t reckon with her spouse’s mentality. That proved to almost be her undoing. As she made to start, the man quickly raised the alarm. “You mean I married and have been living with a prostitute? Where did you learn to do such things?” he barked at her in righteous anger. He didn’t even give her the chance to explain that it was the first time she was trying that out. That she read about it in some books on marriage and only wanted to make her husband happy. As far as he was concerned, she was worse than the vilest scum and therefore not fit to be his wife. To drive his point home, the next morning, he told her to pack her things. He personally drove her to her parents who were residing in another town. However he could not tell her mother what her crime was. Though his face was as dark as death. Pat could not even tell her mother why her husband sent her home. As the days dragged into weeks and her husband didn’t show up, her mother became very worried. She kept on pestering her to tell her why she was sent packing. But she didn’t know how to tell her. She knew her mother would instantly take sides with her husband. “She would have asked me if she taught me such things.” That was how she pined away in agony till after a month when her husband appeared suddenly and told her the suspension was over. However, before they left her parents’ house he asked her in a very condescending manner if she had had enough of her dirty nonsense. She kept mum. At least she was grateful that she was going back to her matrimonial home.

Since that day, she says, she became inactive during sexual intercourse with her husband. She would just lie on the bed like a log till he is done. At a point her husband noticed and asked her why she didn’t respond, she told him she was only being cautious. How would she know the next thing she would do and earn 12 months suspension?

Though her husband has admitted that he acted rather too hastily, she has not been able to put the experience behind her."

See men like this are setting women back 80,000 years. I mean seriously if a girl wants to slob on my knob, choke on my bishop, blow my whistle, lick my popsicle or speak into my microphone, I will not stop her. There really is very little that a girl would ask me to do that I would turn down. I mean seriously, if you want it in your mouth it's in your mouth, if you want to swallow my kids afterwards that's cool as well...if you want some lotion for your face or some hair cream for your hair that goes as well. Most girls want it in the pink eye afterwards but some want it in the brown eye. Whichever one you want, it's on the menu. Why this guy doesn't want his woman to go down on him is beyond me so I'm opening it to you guys. Why do you think he doesn't want her to go down on him?

I am not my brain

Thu, 31 Jan 2008 05:47:41 GMT

Welcome to the only unlocked blog on Xanga. I recently logged in to read my comments and decided to check up on my fav blogs...BJ, daddyman, rhea, reincarnated creativity and others but was suprised to see that many many folks on here have locked their blogs. How does that really protect your privacy? Do you know how many people are on xanga? If you are writing about stuff that you don't want people to see then maybe you shouldn't be writing about it at all. Take a second to think about the futility of your actions. You setup a xanga lock so only members of this web community can see it....now if Xanga was like the CIA then maybe I'd understand why you placed so much trust on the membership screening process. Last time I checked all you needed was a screenname and a password to join xanga, they don't even ask for a valid email address. So if someone was really determined to read all the bad things you said about them it will only take them at the most 2 more minutes to sign up and check it out. That means it will take them less time to see the stuff you protected with your almightly xanga lock than it will take to make a decent bowl of drinking garri. It's like putting a newspaper over your head in a torrential downpour, it's like leaving a please do not steal sign on top of your laptop while you take a 30 minute run in central park, it's like crossing your fingers while you have unprotected sex with an HIV positive partner. It is FUTILE.

Phew! Got that out of my system.

Alright let me give you what you have been waiting for. I have been under a considerable amount of work and life induced time constraints for a while now. It's not necessarily stressful because I love my job and my other side hobbies but I have been very busy lately. For the completion of my Master's degree in Computer Security I elected to go the difficult route and actually submit a thesis. The options we were given were to write a case study which will involve working with a professor on campus doing important things like getting coffee for the team in between hacking the occasional computer, doing an internship with a computer security firm which will involve working my ass off for little or no money and being -the intern- good lord no, OR writing a thesis. The basic premise of a thesis is to go where no man in your field has gone. It involves approaching your chosen field of study as not just an explorer - you did that when u first came in, but now you know enough to become an innovator, just like the first americans who went west. You seek to look for new things, develop new ideas, innovate and basically kick ass while doing it. My Master's thesis was "Zero-Day Patching: A New Approach To Information Assurance".

The introduction was - Zero-day patching is an approach to Information Assurance that deals with protecting the confidentiality, integrity and availability of data in the face of zero-day attacks. The goal of this paper is to present a security policy that will provide an adequate level of protection against such attacks through a streamlined patch management, change control and implementation mechanism.

Bored huh! Perfect. Anyways that's what I did for most of my evenings over the past year. Perusing books, articles, looking for information on the subject, just basically trying my best to develop a new policy which companies can use to protect themselves from computer attacks which the software provider doesn't even know about. Well long story short, I'm done, it's been submitted and being graded as we speak. So what does that mean? It means that I now have tons of free time to apply myself to another side hobby or goal.

I have many goals but the first one is to start blogging regularly. I've never been a comment whore but after sometime you start to have that itch to have as many people as possible comment on your posts. Before long you find yourself spacing out your entries for no other reason than to let the present one collect as many posts as possible. Anyways I thought about this long and hard and came to the conclusion that my best posts are usually those that are documented soon after an event goes down. Like my experience with the transexual chick-boy-chick, my romp with the grade school teacher, when I had sex with my cousin, the day I ate dog doo doo, the cry baby epistle about nYu, phone sex with Michael's wife, burning myself with warming KY jelly, nigerian classism and ofcourse my personal best the Howard homecoming night with crazy ass Chuck.

There will be so many more crazy stories to tell. I mean seriously, the year is new, there's money to spend and your boy is still as bad as can be. So stop by, stop by, as a colleague at work told me after adding me to his friendlist on facebook...be very excited.

Why do Nigerian girls love having assistant boyfriends?

Sat, 22 Dec 2007 21:22:58 GMT

Good day to you flying flippers, standoffish misters and hoola hooping blueberry chewing while walking on the street people of the world. I took 15 days off from work to relax, regulate and chill with my son who is visiting from naija. He's been here since early december and unfortunately had to endure spending the long days alone while I was at work chasing green bills. My typical 15 hr work days are long enough for me but when you have someone you love and care so much about waiting for you at home, it makes it even longer. I honestly do not know how my co-workers with wives and kids make it happen. It's easy to see why the divorce rate in the US is at an all time high. When all you say to the ones you love on a daily basis is good morning and good night, it's pretty difficult to keep things healthy.

Anyways time to talk about assistant boyfriends. I know your first question is what is an assistant boyfriend. Well, an assistant boyfriend is a guy who performs all the duties of a boyfriend except the late night horizontal dance of nature. The one who takes the girl to the movies, grocery shopping, parties, and everywhere but the bedroom. The one who she calls at all hours of the day for favors, the one who plans her suprise birthday bash, the one who strives to be the #1 man in her life while he fails woefully but keeps trying. Basically the mugu.

Now I'm sure your first reaction to my introductory paragraph is oh you mean her best male friend, there's nothing wrong with that. Well there's nothing wrong with it if u're the girl in the picture but everything is wrong about it if u're the guy spending tons of money, time and energy trying to win a girl who is never going to be yours. There's something wrong if you are constantly thinking, wanting and waiting for her to be yours while she meets and engages in relationships with other guys. The heartache as well as the pocket ache resulting from such an endeavor is too much to bear. However I have no pity for assistant boyfriends and I will tell you why.

All my life or at least as long as I've been conscious of the interaction of the sexes to satiate the most basic of human needs, I have known that there are guys who really do not know when to cut their losses and realize that the girl will never be yours. However, it was when I moved to Baltimore about a year and a half ago that the assistant boyfriend problem among Nigerian guys became more obvious to me. One of the advantages of college life is that it offers a reasonably controlled environment for one to observe all aspects of human life. In college, people are at the age where the attitudes they will have for the rest of their lives have crystallized yet young enough to show it with little or less of the facade that adults in the real world use to cover those attributes in order to conform with societal norms. Think about a housing complex, in college you can see the houses as they stand, some big, some small, some beautiful, others not so pretty but you can see them and see them well. After school you move on to the real world where people will use at least one coat of paint to make themselves look different from what they actually are. However this only covers the surface and once you get to know them i.e enter the house in this example, you will see who they really are.

The colleges in Baltimore have pretty big Nigerian populations so the naija folks usually spend a lot of time together and form a close knit family of sorts. I remember meeting a girl who I dated briefly and was quite transfixed by all the attention her girlfriend was getting from this Nigerian dude. Homeboy was always on hand to take her to movies, always there to give her a ride to the grocery store, even went with her to the Library to study when he didn't have an exam around the corner. I told my ex that wow this guy really likes this girl and her response was oh they're just really cool like that. They are like best friends. Whoa! Now I'm no Freud but I can see the way this dude's eyes light up when he sees homegirl so I'm not buying that best friend crap. Why doesn't she walk into his room naked and let's see if nothing would happen. She said I was thinking like the average guy who doesn't believe that a guy can actually be friends with a girl for reasons other that sexual relations. I thought about this for a while and said alright then let me get to the bottom of this situation and get some concrete proof. Over the next few weeks I became a regular visitor to the apartment and hit it off with the dude. I found out from him that he really likes the girl so I asked the obvious question, does she know and he said yes. I told her before she started dating her current boyfriend. Double whoa! Wait what? She has a man? He said yes, I told her when she broke up with her ex but she said it wasn't the right time. Then she met this new guy and they've been together since. Alright! Alright! I said. This is definitely some serious bullshit. So the girl knows that you like her, told you it wasn't the right time and while u were in the picture a new dude came and took her? I thought for a second and said well these things happen, maybe she just isn't into you like that and the new dude was more like her type so she went with him. So now please tell me why you are still in the picture doing all these things for the girl? No answer. So I kicked the issue around with my ex and she said well he's just a sweetheart and that's the way it is. I asked her why her homegirl hasn't taken steps to make the guy understand that she won't be with him and she said well her boyfriend lives out of state so what if she needs a ride to a party or help with hanging up pictures or something like that? There's nothing wrong with having someone to help you do stuff like that. That's when it hit me. Homeboy is an assistant boyfriend.

Now if this was a one time occurence, I wouldn't have batted an eyelid but there were many more to follow. I felt like I had just come across an anthill which if you observe on passing u'd only notice a few ants moving around but draw nearer and upon inspection you will see the whole anthill abuzz with tons of them. That's what I came across. A ton of Nigerian guys playing professional chaffeur, study buddies and shopping pals. It was first sickening and then disheartening to see so many guys become so infatuated with a particular girl that they would do all these things in the hope that one day she will become theirs that they totally and I do mean totally shut themselves off from the possibility of going after someone else. The worst part of this situation is that these were good looking guys with bright futures and a little money to spend. They could easily have gone after other girls on campus and had more success with a tenth of the effort they put in. I know someone who started liking a particular girl in freshman year, told someone who told her then they became close but she had a boyfriend at the time so he became her assistant boyfriend and now 3 years and 3 boyfriends after, he is still her assistant boyfriend. To make matters worse I do not think he has been romantically involved with anybody else during this time, mainly because he doesn't want to block his not so secret crush from coming to him when she feels it's right. Situations like this make you want to slap the shit out of the person. I mean good lord. What is wrong with you? Why in god's name will you do this to yourself? Did the oracle in your village say the both of you will eventually end up together because it sure as hell doesn't look that way. What do you think you will do now that you haven't already done in the past 3 years that will change her mind? Do you understand that while u're being her assistant boyfriend, you are belittling yourself and pretty much spoiling any chance of any other girl picking an interest in you cus no girl wants a man who is a manservant for another.

The girls involved in such situations are not by any stretch of the imagination free of blame either. There is something called common courtesy. It is something your mum teaches you to say when someone offers you something you don't want. It is something your career counselor teaches you to do when you receive multiple job offers and pick the one you want. It is to say No, Thank You! It may seem cold or mean at the time but it's something you have to do and I'm sure in the long run the person will thank you for doing it. There is nothing nice about stringing a guy on for weeks, months and even years because you want someone who will always be at your beck and call. If you need someone like that why don't you move back to naija and tell your grandma to send you a houseboy from the village? At least everyone in that picture will know what they are there for. Can you imagine the amount of emotional torture that assistant boyfriends go through when they see the girl of their dreams who they've done heaven and earth for just move from guy to guy without any thought about them? Can you imagine all the possibilities wasted in terms of other meaningful relationships they could have been in? Can you imagine the effect that such scarring can have in the long run on the assistant boyfriend's psyche in the long run? The thought that you were not good enough to be with someone is bad enough but when that person is still in your life, serving as a constant reminder, that makes it even more unbearable. Add the fact that she is in a relationship with another dude while you're being led on like a chinhuahua on a leash and it becomes more painful. Sadness comes in all shapes and sizes but the life of an assistant boyfriend is like that of the Australasian Darter, a bird who during the day soars in the sky like everything is going fine but when darkness falls, retires to its lonely nest all alone.

Anyways that's my 2 cents on assistant boyfriends. Please leave me a comment to let me know how you feel about the issue.

Bluebird by Charles Bukowski

Mon, 12 Nov 2007 18:15:07 GMT

there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say, stay in there, I'm not going
to let anybody see
you.
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I pour whiskey on him and inhale
cigarette smoke
and the whores and the bartenders
and the grocery clerks
never know that
he's
in there.

there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say,
stay down, do you want to mess
me up?
you want to screw up the
works?
you want to blow my book sales in
Europe?

there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too clever, I only let him out
at night sometimes
when everybody's asleep.
I say, I know that you're there,
so don't be
sad.
then I put him back,
but he's singing a little
in there, I haven't quite let him
die
and we sleep together like
that
with our
secret pact
and it's nice enough to
make a man
weep, but I don't
weep, do
you?

The end.

I came across this poem during the end of one of my booze induced stupors. I was on my couch (on which I had passed out about 4 hrs before), slowly and painfully ripping my eyes open when I looked at the tv in my semi-dazed state to behold the ugly mug of Charles Bukowski. To say that his face had character is an understatement. Anyways Bukowski was an alcoholic, chain smoking, womanizing poet and the movie I was watching was a documentary of sorts on him. The name is Bukowski - Born into this and you should watch it. I was still barely awake when the movie ended but through the pounding in my head I read this poem as it was displayed on the screen just before the credits. Beautiful and sad. The poem captured something I realized about the author of this blog (saying myself seemed extremely vain). He has a bluebird and refuses to show it. He wants to show it, he is dying to show it but just as soon as he feels it is time to show it, he refuses to do so. But just because you haven't seen his bluebird doesn't mean he doesn't have one. A tragic flaw. He is tragically flawed. The man and his bluebird are tragically flawed.

My next entry will be about Nigerian girls and the assistant boyfriend issue. If you don't know what this means then stop by to read about it. No holds will be barred.